Saira: The Mediocre Space Adventure

saira-bHey there internet goers! This is Wizard with a review for the ages, my very first review on GameRev and my first, recently, offmy site,! I am super excited and ready to do my part! Unfortunately, faithful audience, that means I also have to review bad games, and worst of all, mediocre ones.

Saira is a platforming game, kind of set in the future and mostly set in space. It is introduced by you running around a planet with some side-scrolling, platforming action, before a still frame text screen depicts the story. You are a girl, you take pictures of dangerous wildlife in space, like giant spider, which is like the coolest job I can think of right now (you know, besides this). But you never get to experience that cool job, because your sister is in trouble, and you need to save her! Cool, I said in my infinite wisdom and wordsmithy, damsel in distress story that makes sense. I would journey through space to save my sister, so I can relate, but you decide space travel will take too long since your sister is on Mars. So instead you risk your life in the new teleportation mode of travel, which is kind of strange but still relatable because people like that exist. So it fails, obviously, and you end up in the future kind-of-sort-of-not-really. You search for people and can only find this guy, Bobo (I’m not joking here guys, that’s his name), but he gets absorbed by a teleporter that you attempt to fix together, and now you have to locate him by fixing another teleporter and teleporting to hisco-ordinates where a faint signal is being emitted.

With this kind of set up, the game has to be interesting right? Wrong, this game is the worst kind of game, because it doesn’t even have the gall to be bad, it’s just boring. The character is some paper cut-out thing that looks like a woman, but I honestly have no idea. Sheis a silent protagonist, because this is an indie game and girls are weird amiright? But there is no sound other than the level music and the cutscene thing music. This might have been done to create an edgy and cool, “you are truly alone” feeling, and I love that, but it just annoys me after trying to get on the same fucking ledge for the third fucking time! Anyway, the story is really cool, but the way they deliver is boring and completely separate from the game. I could watch The Lord of The Rings during every cutscene story thing and it would make just as much difference to the gameplay. The story is not effectively weaved into the gameplay, and everything feels very stiff when the two have to enter the same room. It does gameplay very well, making the gameplay challenging and fun, but it can get frustrating when you have to start using the “powers” which are basically pools of radiation that turn you into a flying blob of white. As soon as your white blob touches something, or the time runs out, you turn back. This changes your mind-set, and then punishes you for that mind-set. But nevertheless, the gameplay is fun, if a little annoying.

My biggest problem with the game is all the hype I saw on the steam page, “You’ll never play anything like it!” A$$holeG4m3r said, and “60 unique WELL DESIGNED PUZZELS in an OPEN WORLD GALAXY” by CuntChockula.

Let’s dissect that last one, because it was a real comment by someone not named CuntChockula. There may well be 60 puzzles in the game, I don’t know because it wasn’t engaging enough for me to finish it out of pity, but they are anything except well designed. They’re interesting, no doubt with the whole taking pictures of clues, but that concept dies very quickly and becomes boring. It only serves to pad out the play time in the end, but it probably started as a bright twinkle in the developer’s eyes. And the “open world galaxy” is basically, you can go left or you can go right. Then you can go down a thousand fucking path ways to find the one photograph you need to solve the puzzle three fucking mountains back. I know this is a norm in a puzzle game, but making a platformer open world is horrible when you need to get to an objective on both sides of the map. You will only serve to annoy anyone who isn’t a hardcore puzzle fan, and that is a tiny amount of people. This was an interesting concept, but it’s like bacon on marshmallows inside coke, all those things are good but they would make you sick if you tried it.

In short, interesting, kind of boring after a while, 4/10, but go ahead and try it if you want. I mean, it’s free, so that makes it like a 4.5 I guess?